Holy crap, you guys

I want to write a post about the results of the ultrasound, the discovery of the baby’s sex in particular, and how it’s stirred up all of these complicated feelings for me and left me a big, weepy puddle of tears in inappropriate situations ever since, but HOLY SHIT, Y’ALL. We’re leaving for Paris this weekend, and I am so overwhelmed I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what to do while we’re there, don’t know what to pack, apart from the $120 shoes I just put on my credit card (NAUGHTY). All I know is that I want to buy a big box of macarons while in Paris to share with my girlfriends when we return, go see Versailles, and not spend our whole trip there trying to figure out what to do, going to all the wrong places, and totally missing out on the Paris Experience.

Also, I’m worried that I’m going to look like a big fat Ugly American in all the wrong clothes, speaking halting French with a horrible accent. I want to go to the fancy lingerie place, but I know that the “quintessential Parisian woman” who runs the joint will take one look at my pregnant 42DDDs and swollen belly and command me to leave her sight. The lines at the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower will be too long and who wants to do all of that touristy bullcrap anyway?

And let’s not even DISCUSS how desperately worried about Harry I’ll be and how much I’ll miss him and how I can guaran-damn-tee that I’m going to melt into tears the minute we pull away from my aunt’s house on Sunday morning, paralyzed with grief at leaving my sweet boy behind, even though I know he’ll probably be setting Guitar Hero records on his cousins’ Wii mere moments after we’re gone.

Ach, my heart. Who knew vacations could be so stressful?

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  1. Devlyn

     /  June 5, 2008

    *Everyone* looks like a big fat American anywhere in France. Don’t worry about what you’re wearing, just ignore that everyone looks better than you. Seriously. No one can pull off that shit unless they’re from France, so it’s just best to ignore it. I do suggest going to La Tour Eiffel – just hit it when it first opens, and before the smog gets bad over the city. It’s a fantastic site – but skip the Louvre, unless you have 3 dedicated days for it.
    But now you’ll have us all in a lurch over what kind of child you shall have!! I want to know!!

  2. kmelkight

     /  June 5, 2008

    Your travel freakout/insecurity is normal. Know this about Paris/France/Europe:
    – obnoxious Italians are far more obnoxious than Big Fat Americans, and they travel in huge packs with neon racing jackets so you can’t even compete with that;
    – you are not a big fat American, and you should not spend a speck of energy being an apologist for Big Fat Americans;
    – even if you were the most gorgeous elegant thing with perfect learned French ever to walk the cobblestone streets, there are still going to be people who are shitty to you there. Consider it entertainment/story collecting.
    – you will encounter just as many, if not more, nice people than you will mean people.
    – you are in a big city with ev-ery-one. know that you are going to be, to quote FOCs, “definitely in the top 3 good-looking girls on the street” at all times. Everytime you find yourself shrinking next to an Amelie-looking beauty, you must immediately look around and find 10 people uglier than you so that you feel better;
    – unless you are steeped in knowledge of art history, skip the Louvre and spend your time at the Pompidou instead. (otherwise you’re going to spend a tiring day straining to appreciate things which you know nothing about);
    – Unless you hate modern art. I like to see the crazy shit people think up, myself.
    – The best part for me (other than the Pompidou) was just putzing around, eating crepes and riding the metro and shopping at the markets;
    – The Eiffel Tower Is awesome. You have to ascend it;
    – There’s no escaping the fact you’re a tourist, but you’re the only one spending time noticing/caring that you are.
    – You’re going to have the BEST time. It’s effing magical there. I’m so jealous.


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