Raw


So, yesterday sucked. It was totally exhausting. We left town around 7:45 and drove to Canyon Lake to drop Harry off with my dad and stepmom. Then we picked up Jeremy from the airport and then met with our lawyer. Lunch, and then headed to the mediation.

Fortunately, we only had to be in the room with John for about 5-10 minutes and it was relatively painless. He said some things that were blatantly untrue, although we’re unsure as to whether he was lying or deluded. The mediation started a little after 1pm and lasted until about 5:30. I might have said, at some point, “you can go tell that greedy piece of shit to go fuck himself,” but I can’t be sure. At one point, we were considering capitulating and assuming payments on the mortgage and insurance on the property as an investment, but I also knew that out of spite I’d want to vet every bush, every flower, every coat of paint, etc.

I don’t really want to say more than that; I will say that although we settled for a small amount that will be the basis of a college fund for Harrison, and we don’t have to worry about being sued for back mortgage and insurance payments and we don’t have to deal with John any more, I just feel really gross about this. I feel wrong about taking his money, I feel bad for him because he’s obviously not moved on from my mother’s death, but I also feel really angry with him for trying to soak us (this is my perception of his actions, anyway).

I didn’t even get my margaritas at Rosario’s, just a Shiner Bock at an inexplicable place called Beefy’s Backyard. We got home late and I was so exhausted, I let Harry sleep in bed with me until Matt came to bed. I’m still in need of cocktails, y’all. So, I’ve felt pretty down all day and have even picked a few fights with my wonderful husband, who was such a rock for me yesterday and kept me from flying off the handle. I excused myself in the afternoon to attend my first yoga class in a year, a hatha flow class that has my muscles screaming in pain tonight. Harry and I had dinner with the Masseys, where I had some much-needed Zinfandel and a lovely meal heavy on the vegetables.

I will confess that I’m trying really hard not to eat my feelings tonight or work my way through this bottle of pinot that’s calling me from the wine rack. And to ignore that bar of Green & Black’s in the freezer. Or the almost-vegan carrot-applesauce cake that Molly made that’s sitting lusciously in the fridge. Instead I will watch my DVR’ed episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, finish editing my syllabus, and hunker down with Atonement, which I’m reading veeeeery slowly. Harry went down like a rock at 8:40, not having napped today. Matt left at 5:15 to go hang out with his friend Phil — it’s nice to have some time to myself.

If one really good thing has come out of this, it’s that I feel so much closer to my brother. I spoke to him on the phone today while driving to yoga and felt totally comfortable crying about how bad I feel. I’ve never, ever been that vulnerable with him, not even when our mother died.

Tonight I feel a little older, a lot sadder, and maybe even more lost than I did before. But at least now I’m not going to get sued.

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1 Comment

  1. FWIW, it sounds like you made the best possible decisions under bad circumstances. Peace and good thoughts to you and yours. -G

    Reply

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